"Why, God, why?"

There is nothing that puts Life into perspective quite as jarringly as an unexpected death. That happened to a neighboring family here recently. The impact of a death is only intensified when those involved are just at the threshold of adulthood.

When one reaches young adulthood, the blood, sweat, and tears investments in growth and development have been made, the bulk of schooling and training is complete, and it seems as though there "ought to be" a season for establishing one's place in the Divine Order of Things. Death does not belong on the schedule. But it happens.

That life-perspective slammed into my life at the age of 20. It was a consequence of a drunk driver, two lanes left of center, slamming into my brother's car.  One day I had a brother; the next day I did not, at least not in this earthly space-time dimension.

Much of the next week has since slipped into foggy, healed-over memories. But some things remain clear. For one, apparently I did not meet other's standards of grieving properly. I remember an aunt saying, "It just hasn't hit Emily yet." I suppose she wanted more public tears like my brother's school friends, but part of me was experiencing relief from the incessant teasing. Horrible to feel relief perhaps, but true nonetheless. The controlling effect of his teasing was one of those things that my parents were oblivious to, but while he was alive, I certainly was not going to whine about it and be told to toughen up! And after his death, it was easy to let it go.

Such absurdities, paradoxes, and oxymora as relief in the mix of emotion seem to be, if not normal, at least common when Death comes to claim a young adult. And in a struggle to make sense of the senseless comes the universal question, "Why, God, why?"

Questioning is a part of the grieving process. When my brother was killed, my mother's first words were, "The LORD giveth, and the LORD taketh away." Unsurprisingly, that Jobian response did not satisfy my dad. I don't think it would satisfy most people. And the way my mother said it was out of context with the way Job had pronounced it. Previously he had torn his robe, shaved his head, and fallen to the ground in worship. (Job 1:4,5) My mom had turned that verse into a platitude.

Over the years, I have learned a thing or two about platitudes. They should be accepted more with the idea that the speaker is at a loss for words than as advice. A lot of bromides suck at giving advice. Here is another one that is frequently heard at funerals:  "No one knows the ways of God," or its counterpart, "God works in mysterious ways."

Yes and No. 

Yes, scripture does say, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts, Isaiah 55:9." 
But since Isaiah's day, the Holy Spirit has been sent to Earth to enlighten us. Jesus predicted this:
Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7

How thin the veil

We are allowed to have answers! In fact, if the information is crucial to our salvation, I think God has obligated Himself to tell us. But more than obligation, God desires to make Himself known. He is willing to talk to a seeking heart. Of course, communication is a two-way street.

When my brother died, I asked God why. I wanted His perspective on it. Some of the answers, (yes, there was more than one reason,) were surprising to me, some were a deeper development of things I already knew, and some were none of my business!

• God "told" me, (and this "told" was an inner witness or knowing that came during a time of prayer,) that the main reason that my brother died at that time was between Him and my brother, it was a relationship thing that was none of my business, so He was not going to answer that part. Even though this was a non-answer in some regards, it made me love and respect God more because it showed that he can be trusted with personal information. I am grateful that He explained why He wasn't answering, and I learned a lot about why some prayers don't appear to get answered.

• There was a second "non-answer answer" too. The same inner witness showed me that the reason could be revealed someday; He wasn't hiding it on purpose but that he could not explain algebra problems when I was still working on the basics of addition.  That was over 40 years ago. I had a similar conversation with God recently and the answer was He could not explain calculus when I'm just now mastering long division… I guess that is progress! 

• One answer was reflective, but involved my mother, so I don't feel at liberty to discuss it in an Internet blog.

• The chief "teachable moment" answer for me at that point in time was profound. I had already had some teaching and read a book on the importance of our words. God really expects His kids to respect and weigh their words. Jesus will never be able to trust us to reign on the Earth if we keep spouting off every idle thought that floats through our heads. He also expects us to keep our word:   Promised is promised.

The night my brother was killed, my mother had said, "Be home early." He replied, "I will be home by 10, mom." Notice how he had set his own boundary; this was not a curfew under someone else's authority. Yet at 10 o'clock that night, instead of honoring his promise to his mother, he headed out of town to help a new friend. A noble goal, but a broken promise. In those days, he would have had to use a pay phone to call home, but he did not, even though he walked past one on the way to his car. The Holy Spirit explained to me that this broken promise had restricted his guardian angel's ability to help him.
If that does "not seem fair" to you, let me remind you that this was only one facet of a complex structure—one element in a perfect storm, so to speak. But this was the part of the greater picture that I needed to heed; the part that I could learn from so that my brother's life was not-quite-as-much in vain.

God then said that these reasons should be sufficient, and indeed they were. Since then, I have come to realize that I could have pressed in and asked for more, and he would have answered; but I also know God is more pleased by accepting some things on faith without my having to have details.

Writing this blog has been my "Algebra Moment." I'm being graduated from long division to a better understanding of the workings of God, but I'm humble enough to know that my astrophysics level is still very far away! Living is a process. Things have been brought into a perspective that I could have no way grasped four decades ago.  And again, I would not have been writing this today if it had not been for Lane DeCicco. I am sure that he had no clue that he would be used to give a neighbor, whom he may not even have remembered ever meeting, a deeper appreciation for the complexities of the workings of God.